


that's a spicy meat-a ball

by Whomstdve



Category: Naruto
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, when will god stop my sinful hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:04:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13894884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whomstdve/pseuds/Whomstdve
Summary: Welcome to "why I should go to bed at night instead of writing," where nobody's in character and the plot doesn't matter.





	that's a spicy meat-a ball

**Author's Note:**

> I watch two seasons of Naruto when I was in elementary school and I have the memory of a braindead goldfish let's go

A loud, obnoxious sound tore through the silence of a young ninja’s room. “Sakura…? How did you get in here?” Naruto asked, rubbing the gross ninja crust out of his eyes. After a second he realized that the hideous droning sound was actually his alarm clock, not the pink bitch’s shrill harpy voice, and so he went back to wanking off alone in his bed. After that was done he wandered into his kitchen and chugged four cartons of expired milk because he did not give one single fuck.

“Well guess it’s time for ninja school,” he said, and then suddenly he was sitting in his ninja classroom because the author did not know how to write transitions. Like everyone else in his class he was 19 years old and incredibly single, and none of you fuckers questioned it because I am the god of this world and my word is law.

“Hey Naruto,” Sasuke said angstily, and not a single panty in the room was left un-moist. “OH MY GOD SASUKE YOU’RE SO COOL LET ME SUCK YOUR DICK,” Ino shouted, but everyone ignored her because she was Ino.

“‘Sup bitch,” Naruto said, leaning over his desk so he could make out with his gay emo lover. They didn’t come up for air until Iruka-sensei trudged into the room and threw a book at them.

“Listen up you little shits,” he said, sitting on top of his desk instead of using a chair because he thought it made him look cool. “You aren’t leaving this classroom until every single one of you has mastered this fucking jutsu, and I mean it this time. I still can’t believe you’ve all been held back for 5 consecutive years because you can’t get it right.”

“Yo maybe we wouldn’t suck so hard if you actually taught us how to do things instead of giving us tests every day,” Shikamaru said, and everyone agreed with him because he was Shikamaru.

Iruka-sensei was too busy dissociating to deal with this shit so he decided to ignore him and move on. “Alright, first person on the list is… Sakura Haruno.”

“Um, it’s actually Haruno Sakura,” Sakura said in her bitchy bitch voice.

“Not in this country it’s not. Now can that weeb shit and get down here so we can get this over with.”

Sakura flounced down the steps towards Iruka, smacking Sasuke’s ass on the way. How she did this was a mystery since Sasuke was both sitting down and not in an aisle seat, but he made a mental note to sue her for sexual harassment later anyway.  _ God I wish that were me, _ Naruto thought while furiously jacking off under the table.

“Alright Sakura,” Iruka sighed, “let’s see your best  _ ‘fire, but not a lot of fire, maybe just enough to light a candle’ no jutsu _ .”

Sakura hesitated. “Um, yeah, sensei, about that…”

“Oh my god bitch what.”

“N-Nothing, it’s just…” Sakura took a moment to fiddle with her hair and waste even more of everyone’s time before continuing. “Some of the jutsus we have to learn seem a little… specific…”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Iruka said, sliding his lesson plans for  _ Sunday brunch no jutsu _ back into his pocket. “Now stop whining and make with the fire.”

“Oka-”

“But not  _ too much _ fire.”

“...Okay.” Sakura had spent the past three weeks studying this jutsu, had spent twelve hours practicing the jutsu on slow-moving elderly people, and had sacrificed her roommate to ninja satan to attain ungodly mastery over the jutsu. She did this every time she learned something new because she was a psychopath and there are no real consequences for murder in ninja land.

Sakura flashed a bunch of gang signs at a wall and uttered a prayer to the dark lord under her breath, and a moderate amount of fire came out of nowhere, making both physics and chemistry its bitches. Sakura grinned a large, shit-eating grin, knowing she had performed the jutsu perfectly.

“Yeah whatever I’d give it a B-,” Iruka shrugged. “Next up is Hot Topic.”

Sakura ran off to cry in the girls bathroom or whatever and Sasuke shuffled up to the front of the classroom. He flipped off a potted plant and it set itself on fire out of respect.

“Alright, that wasn’t actually a jutsu, but you get an A anyway because you’re Sasuke,” Iruka said. Sasuke ignored him and left to go snort cocaine off a hooker’s titties or something. Next up was Naruto, who had already somehow managed to set the entire classroom on fire despite never actually using the jutsu.

“Sweet ninja Jesus that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” Iruka said as his students burned to death in the background. “I’m failing the entire village for allowing you to exist.”

And then they all died slow, agonizing deaths in the inferno because there are no firefighters in fucking lala-land or whatever the ninja word is called, the end.


End file.
